She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
