So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
