I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Randomize
