Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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