Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
