Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
