I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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