On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize