so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
