I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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