Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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