I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
