Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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