So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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