she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
