I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
