and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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