I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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