watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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