I am midnight drunk by noon
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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