I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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