Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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