I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
