i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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