he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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