I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
And then he peed in my hair
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