Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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