If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
