I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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