OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
