Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
