I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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