I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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