If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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