The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
