So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
