How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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