No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
