he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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