u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
