Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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