I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
We were destined to go to rehab together
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
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