I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Dick pics just arenβt doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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