I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
as a side note pls kill me
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
