8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Randomize
