I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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