Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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