there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
