put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
