nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
