dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
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