She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
