6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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