i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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