Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
