paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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